To Ashes

Pick up the pen and bleed.

These days, I'm not sure exactly what that means

I feel like I've bled it all away.

What was once good and bright now remains in ashes

The fire that kissed the sweet song of the soul grew too hot

I looked to you to stay within my arms. I saw your smile and felt that it was mine

Caught to unaware in the promise of your lips

You weren't burning to the same tune.

Scars will heal.

Breaks will mend

But burns... burns are the irremovable wound.

I never was an easy person, but then I never claimed to be

Bred of passion, born of fire, fed on intensity.

I will not waiver I will not falter. I will not take a knee.

Mock me, taunt me, hold me down for if any of you let me up, that mistake will be your last.

I will win

Hold it together. Control your anger, and promise pain.

Words to keep me strong, arms to keep me safe, fists to keep them warned.

When all the world is dust and ashes, the Phoenix then rises.

Maybe then the Lion is not the beast that rules his kingdom.

Perhaps the Lion has become the bird that will burn away the world.

Dust and missing pieces

There are days that I miss you that all end in Y.

Most of them are soft easy days where you only cross my mind a handful of times

Others are harder, where even the still of the breeze calls your name

Pockets of you left behind in my soul that I find hadn't been swept away

Would you be willing to take a walk with me?

Behind the places of my mind where the stars shine the brightest?

To the very reaches of burned bridges that have grown over with the vines and trees.

Skilfully navigating the trenches long built on a system so far gone that they forgot

That even at 5 and six a little girl needs answers.

Take a walk and skirt the ancient ruins of what it means to be beyond reasonably damaged.

Breathe not a whisper and maybe you can glimpse what few have ever dared;

Shining in the moonlight, cheeks sparkled with tears and dew drops of blood.. 

It's the iron hard will to survive on more than just scraps of empty promises

The begging bright light that only wanted reason but wouldn't die without it

This is me.. the me that misses you

The me that bleeds with the sharp edges to fragile flesh by callous words

the mes that loves without reservation or thought of consequence

The me that misses you more and more with every passing day.

Reflections of storm

Long pauses, to drawn out silences.. and the words of grace ring true. All I could ever give you was the will of God's from a book I never understood. From stainless steel lies to outside perceptions of a pretty little package, all of it rips through the walls of paper thin plastic. Smile - They say though they don't know how the scar tissue of a Glasgow grin creates a melancholy horror that never quite reaches the eyes.

Precarious and smooth, our steps of dead dance within our bones. The give and take of ill fated poison kissed lies hang true while straps secure heavily hands behind my back. Cold waters ring swells of waves overhead and still I fight the current for a breath of air, the relief of clear skies. Sparkling sweet the stars above, my eyes caught in wonder, and I find it again.

Fire sweeps white hot lightning through the crash of thunder thumping beats of the heart. Will becomes tempered and solid. I remember. I Remember.. the feel of arms that wrap around me, curling me into the warmed embrace of a lover. A heartbeat that rings in time with my own. I forget that there were never words properly forged to offer him.

Stood solid, on a ground of his own honor, the world never knows how to handle him. Beyond the ties of fate that have frayed and tattered at the end, he stands there still, voice raised to the storm. Comforted in his warmth, bathed in his light, I can only stand at his back, to protect what is vulnerable. My arms around him seem so small. My heart in time with his own. I wish I was enough to give him strength. I wish to stand with him against this storm...

Sometimes, just sometimes.. I can believe that I'm enough

Whispers

Just a rush of a heartbeat shudders soft stricken words past plush pouty lips. Full breaths taken to honey suckle sentences that didn't have a meaning before the heart began to shake the very foundations of the soul. A deep rush of fire flickered flames against a cast iron heart, seeking somewhere within it's depth to ignight the embers of passion lying deep beneath the surface.

Hope stains pretty against an alabaster olive cheek while tears pour mascara driven dreams down to shatter beneath booted feet. A rise of will against the dreams that echo in the  background of every coarse and rude word uttered.

The fog hangs heavy to every gasped breath, every strained word that rails shrapnel to walls of solid stone..

I see you. I feel you. I know you..

Seashells and fireflies

The days I burn at both ends are the days where my mind is plagued the most. I sit here willing away the hours, begging for even just a moment for my breath to be returned. The silence stunted by my sewed shut lips turns my tongue to ash most days and I find that only the slow tapping of the keys can sooth the ache of longing and want.

Of the things I could give you while you were gone, the least I could give you is this. My life pales and fades to the grey you had found me wadding through before you. Without your colors, without your light, everything seems a muted disappointment to those brief times where I can almost feel your arms wrapped around me.

I cling to the jigsaw pieces of the past between us.. I pull together things where vague memories seemed to brighten spots of pictures I have of you in my dreams. I collect all of these things like sea shells on a beach, just to hold you colors close to me.

Presently I wait.. walking through day after day, forcing one step to mimic the other, dancing with and without the music, knowing the cords to all the songs, knowing the patterns to all the steps, but the darkness is heavy without you. Fireflies in a jar spring small glimpses of light to the places where I find your memories, to the hope I hold that you'll come back to me..

Thoughts of 5AM

Fingers streak through waves of cherry wood color. Again batting away the hair that seemed like haunting words flooding my mind. Indescribable feelings choke down to the one thing that whispers slowly in the background. It's haunting melody continued to drill through to the very core of me.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

The steady strum of chorus always the baseline beat as I sit here weaving words to offer some form of understanding to a world that doesn't wanna hear it. Fingers reach beyond me, trying to take hold of memories, glimpses, pieces of you that have been left behind.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

But then, we are where we are. We are where we have to be. I would curse God for putting me through this. I would rail at Fate for bringing me here.. but then, it all pauses. Each steady breath reminding me that if it wasn't for God, you wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Fate, I wouldn't have known you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't smile so genuinely.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..

So here I sit, the early hour of the morning reminding me that my life waits for me beyond the veil of sleep. The constant tick fitting in time with the steady breaths I take. Fingers move digits pages like memory books strung together of your face. Times before I even had a clue of who you were, or how slick a thief you might be to steal my heart away. Each turn another smile, another piece of the puzzle I'm trying to hold together in times of prayer. Each letter between us, reminding me...

I loved you before you knew it. I've loved you beyond your faith to show it, I've loved you to the depths of my soul and yours.. I will love you in my waking hours where the piece of you I carry with me as a constant reminder. I will love you through my dreams where I can hold the realest part of you I can see, and I will keep you in my heart... the one you have stolen to keep a piece of me with you, so that one day I might truly be able to hold you and take you in, never wanting to let go.

Make your mark

The spaces between silences where my eyes turn away from the light, I find everything that has locks upon the outsides. Some of them I remember the keys fondly, knowing where I buried them deep within the sand, others I can't even look upon without that stabbing pain of memory that breeds the rendering of scabs long since dried over but that never learned how to heal.

In the quietest of times I come here, to look upon all that will never see a light of day. The windows to my soul paint a deep chestnut brown across the canvas of a mask that will change like the chameleon's colors. Always offering some bit of truth to every drop of razor blade lies. Vulnerability hammers home the fear that sends butterfly kisses of arctic blue chills across my spine.

Kisses flutter across marked and scarred flesh, reminding me that I'm beautiful. Lashes bat against high held cheekbones that paint with a soft pink blush at the words that I'm desired. The quick strumming pace of my heart skips upon wings that had been long since broken. Raised up and held only within his arms, I am unafraid. The strength of his will reinforces my own. The beat of his heart races my own.. Saints and Sinners alike could find no greater perfection then the way that my lips meet his own.

My silences are filled with thoughts of him, times where I look upon these locks, knowing he has the key. Each breath dependent upon the sick dropping fear of vulnerability and somewhere I question which is heavier, the fear of being vulnerable or the weight of the balancing act I must play before them all. The whole crowd cheering for a fall... None of them know already how far I've fallen for him. None of them understand, I've already denied the wings of an angel, for their mark of a sinner.