Seashells and fireflies

The days I burn at both ends are the days where my mind is plagued the most. I sit here willing away the hours, begging for even just a moment for my breath to be returned. The silence stunted by my sewed shut lips turns my tongue to ash most days and I find that only the slow tapping of the keys can sooth the ache of longing and want.

Of the things I could give you while you were gone, the least I could give you is this. My life pales and fades to the grey you had found me wadding through before you. Without your colors, without your light, everything seems a muted disappointment to those brief times where I can almost feel your arms wrapped around me.

I cling to the jigsaw pieces of the past between us.. I pull together things where vague memories seemed to brighten spots of pictures I have of you in my dreams. I collect all of these things like sea shells on a beach, just to hold you colors close to me.

Presently I wait.. walking through day after day, forcing one step to mimic the other, dancing with and without the music, knowing the cords to all the songs, knowing the patterns to all the steps, but the darkness is heavy without you. Fireflies in a jar spring small glimpses of light to the places where I find your memories, to the hope I hold that you'll come back to me..

Thoughts of 5AM

Fingers streak through waves of cherry wood color. Again batting away the hair that seemed like haunting words flooding my mind. Indescribable feelings choke down to the one thing that whispers slowly in the background. It's haunting melody continued to drill through to the very core of me.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

The steady strum of chorus always the baseline beat as I sit here weaving words to offer some form of understanding to a world that doesn't wanna hear it. Fingers reach beyond me, trying to take hold of memories, glimpses, pieces of you that have been left behind.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

But then, we are where we are. We are where we have to be. I would curse God for putting me through this. I would rail at Fate for bringing me here.. but then, it all pauses. Each steady breath reminding me that if it wasn't for God, you wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Fate, I wouldn't have known you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't smile so genuinely.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..

So here I sit, the early hour of the morning reminding me that my life waits for me beyond the veil of sleep. The constant tick fitting in time with the steady breaths I take. Fingers move digits pages like memory books strung together of your face. Times before I even had a clue of who you were, or how slick a thief you might be to steal my heart away. Each turn another smile, another piece of the puzzle I'm trying to hold together in times of prayer. Each letter between us, reminding me...

I loved you before you knew it. I've loved you beyond your faith to show it, I've loved you to the depths of my soul and yours.. I will love you in my waking hours where the piece of you I carry with me as a constant reminder. I will love you through my dreams where I can hold the realest part of you I can see, and I will keep you in my heart... the one you have stolen to keep a piece of me with you, so that one day I might truly be able to hold you and take you in, never wanting to let go.

Make your mark

The spaces between silences where my eyes turn away from the light, I find everything that has locks upon the outsides. Some of them I remember the keys fondly, knowing where I buried them deep within the sand, others I can't even look upon without that stabbing pain of memory that breeds the rendering of scabs long since dried over but that never learned how to heal.

In the quietest of times I come here, to look upon all that will never see a light of day. The windows to my soul paint a deep chestnut brown across the canvas of a mask that will change like the chameleon's colors. Always offering some bit of truth to every drop of razor blade lies. Vulnerability hammers home the fear that sends butterfly kisses of arctic blue chills across my spine.

Kisses flutter across marked and scarred flesh, reminding me that I'm beautiful. Lashes bat against high held cheekbones that paint with a soft pink blush at the words that I'm desired. The quick strumming pace of my heart skips upon wings that had been long since broken. Raised up and held only within his arms, I am unafraid. The strength of his will reinforces my own. The beat of his heart races my own.. Saints and Sinners alike could find no greater perfection then the way that my lips meet his own.

My silences are filled with thoughts of him, times where I look upon these locks, knowing he has the key. Each breath dependent upon the sick dropping fear of vulnerability and somewhere I question which is heavier, the fear of being vulnerable or the weight of the balancing act I must play before them all. The whole crowd cheering for a fall... None of them know already how far I've fallen for him. None of them understand, I've already denied the wings of an angel, for their mark of a sinner.

Where to write

Time and distance create a space within every mind. Searching for the right stories to string together, I find that I'm just looking for the right amount of distance. A pedestal is too high to reconcile my fear of heights, even if I can touch the ground. I fear being held up. Too high to understand that every mask has it's flaws. The mirror reveals the time I've taken to mark my paint of lies across the chasms of flaws.

The S on my chest? That's a broken dream of heaped responsibility. Sold a half used promise with no intentions upon keeping, I swept up the pieces to one nice little pile of glass bottom tears. Palm impressed pressure behind my eyes holds a dam of tears that can never break. All of these balances pieces, strings of other lives that I hold responsible for make it impossible to break.